Getting More by Stuart Diamond
Books Purpose: Teach you how to become better negotiator
Summary:1) Focus on your goals, 2) understand them first, 3) empathize and connect with them, 4) build trust, 5) influence feelings, then perceptions, then thoughts, 6) collaborate tactfully, 7) stay calm
1. Focus on goals
Prepare: Think about your goals ahead of time
Focus on your goals: Don’t worry about winning or losing
Find decision maker
2. Understand them first
Understand other person: Learn what they care about, what they are worried about, how they think, needs, fears, etc.; You have to get people to want to do things, if you try to force or pressure them, you can destroy the relationship; To persuade them to want to do things, you have to understand them.
Find out what they value differently: Learn what other person values (rational and irrational items) and assess how it is different from how you value them; Create win-win trades with items they value more than you
- Note that you always have unique offerings because you can offer yourself and your relationship, which is unique
Find root problem: Try to find underlying fears, needs, and emotions of person to really figure out root cause of negotiation problem.
Learn their standards: Learn what their policies and past behavior is and see if you your situation applies. This will be used later.
- Frame the problem in a way that uses their standards; This is not a “consistency trap” (which is manipulative), it is simply showing them why it make senses based on their own beliefs
- This works well with hard bargainers
- Ex. Has the vendor ever given a full refund before without a receipt? Don’t you promise high customer satisfaction?
3. Empathize and connect with them
Small talk: Do it because you are interested in them and in finding something to connect with
Connect to human: People are people; you must connect with them
Value and acknowledge other person: Make them feel heard and in control and powerful
Emotional payments calm other people down and help them listen; for some people; an apology or just hearing them is an emotional payment
Empathy is focused on emotions of other person; staying calm helps you listen and think, empathy helps other person listen and think; Feel their pain and make sure you address it
- People can’t listen rationally when they are upset; You have to connect with them emotionally before they can listen
4. Build trust
Be sincere and genuine: You have to really believe what you say, otherwise people will see through it
- Don’t manipulate, be transparent: Don’t try to pretend, it is easy to spot people that are faking or playing games
- Don’t distort information, bluff, make empty threats, or selectively chose information to show
- Anything that doesn’t pass the “smell test” will seem like a lie and lying destroys trusts, kills the negotiation and ultimately kills the relationship
Find common enemies: It brings people together
Don’t cheat, lie, steal: Your relationships and your reputation may never recover; destroying chances for fruitful negotiations forever
Follow your instincts: If other person looks nervous or guilty or is trying too hard, they might be trying to hide something or take advantage of you
5. Influence feelings, perceptions, thoughts
Four levels of negotiation
- Force: Use authority, pressure, or threats to get your way; very ineffective and costly way to negotiate
- Rational: Focused on “interest-based negotiation”; better but requires people to be rational
- Perceptions: Think what it is like in their shoes
- Feelings: Tapping into other person’s feeling is best way to convince them in most situations, especially when stakes are high; Feelings are even more important than interests; most people just focus on interests
What works
Empathy, focusing on goals and relationships, being incremental, and realizing every discussion is unique and different
- Don’t focus on “win-win” or “win-lose”, focus on how people in real life perceive and feel and think about their world
- Think of negotiation in the same way as you do persuasion or selling
Negotiations are 8% Substance, 37% Process, 55% People
- Substance: The actual topic
- Process: Do they try to understand each other’s emotions and believes before trying to convince
- People: Do you like each other
What doesn’t work
Use raw power: kills relationship immediately and forever
- People don’t want relationships with those that force them to act
- It creates a fight and make people defensive and resentful
BATNA: “best alternative to a negotiated agreement”
- Focusing on BATNA causes people to give up too quickly
“Bargaining range” (e.g., highest buyer will bid; lowest seller will ask) but this is one dimensional thinking; think outside the box and trade items of unequal value
Don’t walking out, using authority, purely rational arguments
Think of negotiations as one dimensional
Believe people are either cooperative or competitive vs. “it depends”
6. Collaborate tactfully
Collaborative competition beats cut-throat (John Nash > Adam Smith)
Make small asks: Start with baby steps; don’t make big, scary asks first
Remember every situation Is unique
Don’t walk away, unless you both agree to take a break and return (or if you just want to end the negotiation completely)
Warn people of your bad behaviors: Tell people upfront that sometimes you do X (e.g., speak loudly) and ask them to let you know if you do it; this helps let you be yourself and appear more real, honest, and well-intended
Make your enemies your advisors
Give others power; people like power: They are much more likely to feel good and give you more in return
“Saving face”: In many cultures, it is important to save face; people act extreme if they feel like you are attacking their self-esteem or self-worth
7. Stay calm
Letting your emotions control you can destroy any conversation; stay calm even when it is really hard; Getting emotional makes it harder for you to think clearly or creatively and makes it harder to listen
Don’t negotiate while upset
Be kind and positive
Avoid extreme language: This just creates emotional responses.
“Collaborative threats”: Making threats and focusing on what “I” can do causes people to become defensive. Instead, focus on how “we” can fix the problem. This reframes the problem into one that you can solve together and increases how much you implicitly value them.
- o Ex. Instead of saying “Your item was defective, I will never shop here again unless you refund my order!” say…”I really like your stores and usually have a great experience, how can WE fix this issue?”
8. Other notes
Trust is not an absolute necessity: You can also use commitments through contracts or properly designed incentives
Relationship Signals: Signs that you or other person are interested in forming a relationship (e.g., talking about personal stuff, sports, music,…)
Recruiting: Remember that people hire people that they like; If you make it to an interview, they probably believe you can do the job
At work: Learn from people who have left or people who have been there forever; build relationships and coalitions; make yourself more valuable
Getting Fired: This is a negotiation as well; Can you stay on as a consultant? Severance? Don’t sign anything immediately
Children feel insecure about their lack of power and will trade a lot for it
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